This section currently features three essays I"ve written for school. The one on this page explains why people should wear exotic animals. Read it. The second is an essay about the poet William Wordsworth and the band Tool. The third essay is about how to procrastinate.... it's an art, and a science. And here's an oldie about dress codes.
That Macaw Really Brings Out the Green
in Your Eyes
(or: "Is That an Iguana in Your Pocket...?")
The relationship between humans and domesticated animals goes back
thousands of years through time. Livestock were tamed to produce meat,
plow the earth, and carry loads. Dogs were originally trained to help
humans hunt for other animals. Cats never really became domesticated,
they apparently decided to live with humans because food sources, both
canned and vermin alike, are readily available in areas near human
habitation. Less practical pets, such as birds, reptiles, and tropical
fish are kept around for no apparent reason. Since every living thing
must have a practical purpose, these pointlessly tamed animals should
be added to humanity's ever-growing stockpile of fashion accessories.
The seemingly ridiculous idea of keeping animals just to wear them
is not as innovative as it may seem. In fact, hundreds of years ago,
certain people utilized tropical birds as part of their para-military
uniforms. Pirates wore a parrot on one shoulder as a sign of rank.
To this day, anyone walking around with a parrot on his shoulder is
instantly recognizable as a roguish and dangerous character. Using
birds, fish, and reptiles as adornments would be a simple way to
advertise one's unique personality, much like wearing a flashy tie
or evening gown.
Upon first hearing the comparison of a tie and a talking tropical
bird, the average person might exclaim "What a completely ridiculous
notion this is! Humans can't wear live animals. What would people say
if I were to walk around with a live moose draped over my shoulders?"
First of all, moose and other large animals would obviously be
impractical because of their size and strength. Only small, weak,
clearly inferior life-forms would be used for human decoration.
Another problem with the moose is that it is a mammal. Mammals are
the most highly evolved group of animals, and thus it would be morally
wrong to wear them. Also, a significant portion of the human population
suffers from allergic reactions to various types of animal fur.
The final, and most important rebuttal to the issue of the
absurdity of wearing small animals is that using them for
ornamentation is comparatively more sensible than completely
eradicating them from the face of the planet. On the earth today,
thousands of species of plant and animal life are being needlessly
destroyed. The destruction of the rain forests and the pollution of
air, land, and sea is seriously limiting the biodiversity of the planet
that humans must share with all other forms of known life. It seems
that the only non-human life people care about anymore is the kind
that is exploitable. Thus, both human culture and ecological diversity
could profit by assimilating exotic, endangered species of animals
into the realm of the human wardrobe.
Another potential problem with using the aforementioned kinds of
animals for the advancement of human fashion is simple: how does
one wear a fish? Birds are fairly simple; wear one on the shoulder
or forearm. Snakes or reptiles with long tails could wrap around
the neck, arm, or leg. However, a fish out of water would probably
not look or smell very attractive. This is an interesting problem
and fish would likely be completely avoided as fashion accessories if
there were not such an amazing diversity of colors, shapes, and sizes
among the sundry species of aqueous organisms. Several interesting
theories have been proposed to solve this quandary, and all are
currently being examined by fashion and zoological experts. For
instance, clothing could be constructed from transparent plastic or
glass and filled with water, so that small tropical fish could be
used as an integral part of the garment. Hats, pocketbooks, and even
platform shoes could contain fish swimming inside water-filled
compartments. However, the weight of the water needed to keep the fish
alive is still a major design problem. Fortunately, most cutting-edge
fashions start as uncomfortable, awkward, ridiculous looking items
until they becomes accepted by the general public.
Imagine, a new era in fashion, as well as in ecological philosophy.
Mankind will have a new view of nature when lizards become as socially
acceptable as dogs. As wearable pets become more and more common,
people will recognize that certain animals are worth more alive than
dead. Living fashions can help humans regain a respect for the natural
world of which they are also a part.
This article was written by Earl Fishman, president of the International Pet Store Consortium