Author/Editor's note: I wrote this a long time ago (about seven years, actually) and it's one of the first things I wrote for my own entertainment. I also wrote it with a specific audience in mind, so I've since had to edit out certain references that won't make much sense to most people. (won't make much sense, that's a laugh. hehe). I've gone through several slightly different versions, and this is the most recent one. Feel free to copy it and spread it around. If you want it in mail form, just email me, and I'll get back to you. Okay, um, enough with the intro....
The Comatose Manifesto
by: ?
<duh, it's Comatose>
OKay, I've kinda decided to write something, and I guess
I'm gonna start by explaining a bit of some of my
weird "philosophy." I'm not sure if it's actually
philosophy or what, but I'll call it that for lack
of a better word at the time I"m writing this.
So.....
__5__
I might as well start off with my best known weird thingie
I made up. A little history: one day my freshman year in high
school, I was in math class, and I was a bit bored,so I decided
to make up my own system of math. I picked a number completely at
random and made it the solution for any problem. For
example:
1+1=5
99,994-(32*6)=5 5*55=5
1/9999=5
So a little over a year passed, and I began to unleash this
insidious math stuff on the unsuspecting public. Actually, I
wrote messages here and there about it, until I gained quite a
following, if I do say so myself (which I guess I have to, as I'm
the one writing this silly thing).
One of the most common responses to first hearing this idea
is something like: "5+5=5? How
do you figure that?" And I respond: "I
don't. 5 is just something to say. Its a lot
easier to say "5" than it is to think about whatever
the problem is and try to figure it out."
After that, the other person generally reacts with an
enlightened "Oh" or
maybe "Uhmmmmm..."
It's a slightly more eloquent way
of answering the question "Why?" with the answer
"Shut up."
After a while, 5 started evolving; taking on a life of its
own, almost. One of the first variations on 5 was "If
it's not 5, its a taco." I'm not sure but I
think it was The Amnesia Avenger (my friend Todd) that first came
up with that one. The basic principle of this theory
is generally that it sounds really weird to say it to someone who
has no idea what you're talking about.
Briefly, any number is equal to 5. But, in
the case when it isn't a 5, it must be a taco. Don't try to
figure out the logic to it, there isn't any. As I hope you've
learned by now, if you try to think about it out logically,
it won't make any sense at all, and you'll get totally lost.
(Which is not to say that being lost isn't one of the main, and
intended, side effects of the theory of 5.)
Some newer history: several years after first
creating this idea, I was introduced to a book that had an
enormous impact on me. The Illuminatus! Trilogy by Robert
Anton Wilson and Robert Shea featured a theory of five nearly the
same as my own. It was written around twenty years before I
(independently) came up with my theory. I'll say
no more other than it is required reading for anarchists,
surrealists, conspiracy theorists, philosophers, and all sci-fi
fans. (You'll find a link to Robert Anton Wilson's homepage in my
links section.)
__"... more or less
blue..."__
Here's a theory I came up with slightly more recently
(though still several years ago), and I give you permission to
think about this one as much as you want, cuz the more you think
about it, the more sense it makes. (Interestingly
enough=)I don't remember exactly how or why I came up with this
one, but the full quote is "Everything is
more or less blue." This means that the
color of any object can be described in terms of blue. For
example, "Bologna is usually not very blue" or
"Two of the walls in my room are painted blue, and the other
two are colored not blue."
This theory is interesting not only because calling
everything blue will get you some attention, but because it also
can be expanded. Fill in the brackets below with any two
things:
"[anything]
is more or less [anything]"
This works as long as you use some vague phrasing such as
"more or less" or "somewhat" or
"rather" or "to some degree." I once
read somewhere (I think it was in Reader's Digest)
this quote, or one somewhat like it:
"It is better to be vaguely right than
precisely wrong."
That is pretty much the point of the "... more or less
blue..." theory.
Well, that's more or less the end of my
"philosophizing" for now. I hope it
either enlightened you or confused the hell out of you.
Both at the same time is kinda my goal here, but I, um, I
forgot. Wow, I got through like 3 pages without
forgetting what I was talking about, and now I can't finish the
flarking conclusion. =) Oh well, conclusions suck anyway.
Just remember, this isn't really about what I think about my
messed up ideas, but its about what these ideas make you think.
Well, soon I'll be leaving this bit of the "real"
world, and I'll be going back to my own subjective universe,
which I guess was what this whole thing was about. Damn,
this conclusion is messed. Oh well. =)
Here's a few neet little quotes I feel like including:
Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: A fish.
--read it in an issue of Reader's Digest
(I think)
Belief makes all nothing, all one, all none, nothing
anything.
--"Fuct", by me =) (Check out my Poetry
section)
I WANNA DIP MY BALLS IN IT!!!!!
--The State
Read anything by Robert Anton Wilson
-- me. do it. he's cool.
Send this to as many people as you know right now. If
you don't know anybody, make somebody up and send it to
them. Much depends on this. This is not a chain
letter. This chain letter has orbited the earth for several
centuries, and has been to the moon five times. Neil
Armstrong sent this via e-mail when he landed on the moon, and he
came back. Ronald Warton laughed at Neil Armstrong, and look what it got
him.... nothing. You probably don't even know who
Robert Warton is, because he was doomed to a life of obscurity
and mediocrity by ignoring this warning.
If you send this to five people, flying blue tacos will
arrive, and you will be happy for the rest of your life. If
you fail to send this to five people, no tacos for you, and
everyone you love will leave you for a taco vendor named
Paco. If you send this to more than five
people then you've sent it to both five people and less than
five, so the flying blue tacos will arrive but they will leave
you for taco vendors around the world, which will make everyone
happy.
"MMM.... Tacos are just so yummy, I better send this
off to the Supreme Court justices!"
-- President Clinton
"I wish I'd thought of this first."
-- Ronald McDonald
"Tacos are smurfy"
-- Papa Smurf
"I threw away this chain letter, and evil cows stole
my head!"
-- some headless guy
"I never believed in all those 'Get Rich Quick!'
programs, but after reading the Comatose Manifesto, I don't care
anymore. I just steal people's credit cards and buy tacos with
them."
-- name withheld without request
"Once you realize that everything is more or less
blue, you know all sorts of hidden secrets about both enemies and
friends and the nature of the universe. Can you tell me what my
lucky numbers are?"
-- my Psychic Friend